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Saturday, December 28, 2013

Anime Cow Is Late For School, THE MASTER POST

Doing something a little different this week. ShadyVox was kind enough to grace us with his presence, and it was a lot of fun having him on, especially as a guest reader for "Anime Cow Is Late For School"

So, in honor of THE FINAL CHAPTER, here's the download links to all the episodes, AND a master post, collected, COMPLETELY UNALTERED!!!



PART 1: Episode 53 "Where The Guns At?"

PART 2: Episode 54 "I'm Already Pumping, So Pimp Me"

PART 3: Episode 58 "Bootleg Charlie Sheen"

PART 4: Episode 64: "No More Garbage"

PART 5: Episode 67 "I Hope Jared Leto Senpai Notices Me"

 FULL STORY BELOW THE CUT





One day, Goku was flying on Namek, smoking mad bluntz with Piccilo.
"Were so high," said Goku.
"Dis be some good weed" said Piccilo.
"No, baka-kun, our flying. We're flying so high, I can see all the way to Earth"
On Earth, a young man, who Goku saw but didn't stop to say high to because he was so high, was running to school, because he was late for school.
"I'm so baka! I'm late for school!" said the young boy who was named Anime Cow, and he had a piece toast in his mouth as he ran to the school which he was late for.
Suddenly, AnimeCow hit someone else on the sidewalk, which made him even more laterer for school. He rubbed his head all awkwardly and anime like, and let out a loud "Eee-yah!"

It was Mystakin-san, who never really liked AnimeCow "Damn Cow-Kun, you're such a baka, now you're going to be even more laterer for school!"
AnimeCow got up and bowed a lot "I'm so sorry Mystakin-kun, I'm late for school!"
"It's not like I like you or anything.... You were in my way!!! Baka!!!" said Mystakin being his usual tsundere self, and eating a Pocky Stick from the box.
Goku swooped down, thinking the Pocky was another phat blunt. He stole it from the confused Mystakin-chan, and Cow just stared, eating his toast and being that much more laterester for school.
"WHAT IS THIS WHACK ASS BULL POOP?" yelled Goku as he went Super Sayian and unleash a Kamehameha Blast on Mystakin-Senpai who didn't die, he only had Xs on his eyes since only bad guys die and Mystakin-seme was only a Tsudere, even though he did make AnimeCow late for school.

Meanwhile, at school, which AnimeCow was late for, Principal Rhythm Bastard read the morning announcements in his silky smooth voice, "...Babies can be substituted for PB&J sandwiches at lunch if you are allergic to peanuts. ALSO If you are late for school, then you will NOT BE IN SCHOOL ON TIME STARTING NOW"
Teacher Alphonse Elric from Full Metal Alchemeist, said "If you come to school after right now YOU ARE LATE FOR SCHOOL!"
"If AnimeCow is late for school, his grades won't be as good as mine!" said Arcanon, who was AnimeCow's Nerdy Friend since had swirly glasses and the same dress shirt and tie as everyone else.

"Pssh.. whatever man" said Jeff who was AnimeCow's Slacker Friend because his shirt was unbuttoned, had a beard, and was pounding back Dewar's by the bottle.

THEN SUDDENLY MY ORIGINAL CHARCTER DARK SEPHIROTH GOKU THE STAMPEDE (do not steal) ATTACKED THE SCHOOL!!!

"AHAHAHAHA!!! I AM DARK SEPHIROTH GOKU THE STAMPEDE AND I HAVE COME TO DESTROY YOU, ALPHONSE ELRIC, AND YOUR STUDENTS, THE MOST POWERFUL OF WHICH !!"
"Oh no! Only AnimeCow can defeat him, but he is late for school!" said Arcanon, his glasses swirling like crazy.
Jeff was passed out from all the bourbon.
Piccillo was super high off his mad bluntz.
But AnimeCow was still late for school!!!


Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede was attacking the school and Teacher Alphonse Elric stood in the students way but Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede punched Al so hard he flew through the wall and killed some kindergarteners but it's OK because they were bad kindergarteners learning to be evil.

"You'll never get away this" said Al as he stood up. He looked around at the macabre horror that now surrounded him. Children, no older than 9, lay dead around him, their bright eyes full of optimisim and youth gone dark, from the horrors of the outside world. Al was already a prisoner, his soul forever trapped in a suit of armor, the only thing that connected him to our mortal world. Now he had to live trapped within the guilt of innocent lives dead at his hands.

Such potential, he thought, as he looked up at the chalkboard, a sea where ideas and young minds could flourish, rendered useless by the giant hole he put through it.

It simply read BUTTS.

"WHERE IS THE ANIMECOW?" asked Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede really loudly.

"AnimeCow-uke is late for school" said Mystakin, eating Pocky and being all Tsundere. "Not like I care about him or anything... he's so baka!!" and then blushed profusely.

"ANIMECOW IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DEFEAT ME WITH HIS MYSTICAL POWERS OF THE COW!!! BUT AS HE IS LATE FOR SCHOOL, THEN I SHALL TAKE OVER THIS SCHOOL, WHICH HE IS LATE FOR, THEN THE WORLD!!!!" talked Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede really loudly.

Goku and Piccillo were in the next room and came into the class room and flew in to help save the day.

"What the h-e-double hockey sticks is going on here?" asked Goku, who didn't swear because he's a good guy.

"Yeah, we were buying weed from those kindgarteners!" said Piccillo.

"F--K OFF" said Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede, who said naughty words because he was a Bad Guy.

AnimeCow was stuck behind a fat lady on the sidewalk. 

As Goku and Piccilo fought Dark Sephrioth Goku the Stampede when they were going all Super Saiyan and stuff, thoughts clouded Arcanon's mind...

"This seems familiar... I remember... I remember it WITH MY BRAIN!!" he said as his swirly glasses swirled a lot and he remembered important things from last night...

AnimeCow, Arcanon and Jeff were hanging out at Arcanons house, watching game shows. It was Family Feud, and Steve Harvey was hosting. Somebody answered something really stupid and Steve Harvey wondered if it was too late to break from the contract that he signed.

"Man, are these people drunk?" asked Jeff. "I'd never drink EVER. TRUPUNX ARE STRAIGHTEDGE!!"

"You said it!" said Arcanon. "It would interfere with our studies! Which is the most important thing!"

"I thought it was developing the Mystical Power that we all conveniently have" said AnimeCow. "You know, the ones that help us defeat the Greatest Evil Known To Man?"

"No, all I have are these glasses that are swirling all the time" said Arcanon, taking off his swirly glasses. Unfortunately, he then saw a hellish landscape before him that was so horrifying I couldn't be bothered to write what it looked like. So then he put his glasses back on. "Ughh... Remind me to buy some weed from those kindgarteners tomorrow."

"Well, I have this wicked sweet beard!" said Jeff, who is 15, but has the beard because he is half 15, half 3000 year old wolf spirit.

Their attentions were turned back to the TV, where there was another episode of Family Feud on. but it was with Richard Karn, meaning it wasn't as good so they all played a round Monsters: The Dueling, the popular card game that is apparently the most important thing ever, and tried to forget that Home Improvement ever existed.

Meanwhile, Mystakin stood outside the house going "Baka Cow-chan...with his baka gameshows. NOT LIKE I WANTED TO WATCH THEM OR ANYTHING... HE WAS IN MY WAY"

Earlier that day...
"Hey, Stakin-sama! Want to watch game shows at Arcanon-senpai's house tonight?" asked Anime Cow.
"NO!" yelled Mystakin as he pushed AnimeCow into the lockers and stormed off.


Meanwhile...
Suddenly, a large buff wizard tapped Mystakin on the shoulder. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOUNG MAN?"

"Watching these gaijin watch their kawaii game shows desu! Baka Cow!"

"WHO IS THIS... COW... YOU SPEAK OF?"

"Only the biggest jerk that has the Mystical Power that can stop the greatest threat to mankind! Buttface"

"HMMM... THAT IS I, DARK SEPHIROTH GOKU THE STAMPEDE!!! THE GREATEST THREAT TO MANKIND!!!" said Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede, the Greatest Threat To Mankind. "AND IF I GET HIM OUT OF THE WAY... I COULD TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!"

"I... guess...?" said Mystakin, walking away. Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede laughed evilly as he hatched an evil plan.

After the game shows were over, the three friends went their separate ways. On his way out, Jeff found a bottle of Dewar's on the lawn outside. "Hey Arcanon! Is this yours?"

"No, I don't know who left it there! You can keep it!"

"Well, TRUPUNX ARE STRAIGHTEDGE, but I guess I'll take it home anyway!"

"I have to go get a good night's rest!" said AnimeCow. "I want to make sure I'm on time for school!"

However, when AnimeCow fell asleep that night, Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede snuck into his room, while he was completely unconcious and vulnerable, and adjusted his alarm clock so that AnimeCow would wake up later!

The next morning...
"Oh no! I'm late for school!" exclaimed AnimeCow as he put a piece of toast in his mouth.

And in the present, Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede was laying waste to the school, despite the best efforts of Goku, Piccillo, Alphonse Elric and Batman, who joined the battle while Arcanon was remembering stuff. Anime Cow was still late for school. but at least he finished his toast.

Goku unleashed a Kamehamaea attack and Picillo was doing his special beam cannon, Alphonse Elric said "It's no use! He's too strong!"

"We need Anime Cow and his Mystical Power to help us!" said Goku.

"I'M BATMAN!" said Batman, throwing a batarang.

"You two! Come help us!" said Piccillo pointing at Arcanon and Jeff.

"Yeah, I mean John O' Hurley was good, but- Oh" said Arcanon. "C'mon, Jeff, if we use our Monster: The Dueling cards, we can stop him"

Then Principal Rhythm Bastard and his silky smooth voice came over the loudspeaker: "Just a reminder, even though Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede is attacking the school, Monsters: The Dueling cards are banned from school grounds as they promote gambling"

"Oh..." sighed Arcanon.

"Those damn Kindergarters ruin everything!" yelled Jeff. "I lost 20 bucks to those little bastards!"

Suddenly Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede grabbed Arcanon and Jeff and slammed them against the wall using magical restraining energy which he could totally do the whole time. At the last second, Arcanon took off his glasses, and threw them at the Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede. Unfortunately, Batman threw a batarang and knocked them out of the way.

"I'M BATMAN!!!" whispered Batman.

"I can't move!" said Arcanon who was stuck under the magical restaingt magic that Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede had the whole time. "Quick, use my glasses!"

Jeff then channeled the ancient 3000 year old wolf spirit that lived inside him, and his beard reached on to the ground where Arcanon's glasses laid on the floor. His beard picked them up and put them over Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede's eyes. Suddenly, Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede saw a hellish landscape that was so horrible, I could not be bothered to describe it. He recoiled in horror and dropped the two students on the ground.

Arcanon, because he was the smart one, picked up Jeff's bottle of Dewar's, put his tie in it, lit it on fire, and threw it at Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede. He was on fire and was reeling backwards and crashed through a chalkboard.

Just then, Mystakin, who was late to school, but not as late as Anime Cow, went right up to Dark Sephirothe Goku The Stampede's face said The Ultimate Tsundere Insult:

"Hey... You're a Baka Gaijin!"

"OH NO! NOW I AM EMOTIONALLY HURT AS WELL!" said Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede. Mystakin, Arcanon and Jeff high fived each other, but they heard a laugh. "FOOLS! YOU HAVE YET TO SEE MY FINAL FORM!!!"

Suddenly, Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede was 20 feet tall and was glowing green and yellow and blue and was a super buff wizard.

Suddenly, Super Indendent Owen's went on the loud speaker "Attention Students, I will taking over as princibal, as Rhythm Bastard not only lets his students be late to school, but also killed all the kindegarteners and has allowed Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede to reach his final form. ANIME COW WHY ARE YOU LATE FOR SCHOOL?!?"

 "Hey DORK Sephiroth Goku The Stampede" said Anime Cow, kicking down the classroom door. "I came here to kick ass and eat toast....

...And I finished my toast!"

Bread crumbs fell from his mouth like cherry blossoms during the festival in which on enjoys the cherry blossoms because I am like, half Japanese and I know that shit kawaii desu.

"I may be late for school. but you are late... to you're own funeral!" said Anime Cow, wield the katana he had the whole time. "You'll be dead like Kennedy!"

"Could it be...? The mystical power...?" said Arcanon. Then a light donk noise happened.

"Aw yeah, it's the Mystical Power! Time to kick some ass!" said Jeff. Then another light donk noise happened.

"Oh... I knew you could do it Cow! Believe in yourself, and defeat Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede once for all and send him back to hell- I mean the Home For Infinite Losers!" Doink.

"I guess this baka gaijin puta is good for something..." said Mystakin, being all Tsundere. Doink.

"I'M BATMAN" said Batman in a reverent tone.

"Consider this your final exam" said Alphonse Elric, who was Anime Cow's teacher and upset that e was late for school but glad that he made it anyway to defeat Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede. Doink noise.

"420 BLAZE IT BLAZE IT SMOKE WEEK ERY DAY MOFOS" said Piccillo, before doing some marijuana needles. He ate 4 pots. "DOINK NOISE BITCHES!"

Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede used his dark magician magic on Anime Cow but Anime Cow only flew threw like 3 walls.

Anime Cow held his hands up and went "CURSE...YE...HA...ME....HA!!!!!"

Nothing happened.

"That's how stupid you're going to look after I kick your ass!" and then Anime Cow unleased the Mystical Power and Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede died.

"FOOLS!" yelled Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede. "THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!"

Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede rose from the ground and was even buffer and more wizard like then before, and threw Anime Cow onto the planet Namek.

"Everyone! I need your strength!" Then everyone raised their hands up into the sky and a large blue sphere appeared in the sky!

"NO! IT COULDN'T BE!!!" said Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede in a very scared voice. He was feeling scared because of the large blue sphere.

"I don't know what that is." said Anime Cow. He had never seen the large blue sphere before. It didn't matter or anything because he just stabbed Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede with his Super Katana infused with Jeff's Beard's Wolf Spirit which he did off screen, but you should know about anyway.

Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede fell to Earth with a loud thud and unleashed his final form. I'm not going to describe what it looks like. Fuck you.

Then Dark Sephiroth Goku The Stampede shot Alphonse Elric with a gun. A regular ass gun. "IF I'M DYING, I'M TAKING YOU ALL WITH ME"

"Bullets! My one weakness! How did you know?" said Alphonse Elric.

Then Anime Cow won the battle and everyone in school cheered, except they were sad about Alphonse Elric dying. But he really didn't die, he just because Goku's werewolf baby, which Mystakin had immediately imprinted himself and named Anime Cow Jr. and it grew up by the strongest warrior ever.

Anime Cow was revered as a hero, and was given the Honorary Perfect Attendance Award at the end of the year, even though he was late for school.

"This is so fucking stupid" said Super Nintendo Owen.

THE END

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